The last couple days have been ridiculous. I swear someone's just trying to break us, but alas, I have a solution that they haven't thought of. Read along dear reader, you're about to be surprised.
...
So, into recovery here until we get the next round of markers, and other than a sick stomach everything was looking up. Then the random acts of ridiculousness start.
Tuesday, Dec 9. 08:11. Receive the call from Melissa that she'd just run over a brick on the highway on the way to work. Everything's okay, she's off to the side safely...but seriously, a brick? Tires, chairs, even mattresses are the norm...a damn brick? So, one already new tire successfully destroyed. Can I replace the tire myself? Oh no, German engineering is to smart for that.
Spare tire? Check.
Jack? Check.
Lug nut wrench? Check.
Fancy little key to remove caps from lug nuts? Nope, you need one of those from the dealership.
If anyone can explain to me the logic of including all of the rest of the tools, but omitting the damn necessary tool to get started in the first place, you win $50.
So, drop off Melissa, wait by disabled car. Tow truck an hour later, dealership talk.
New (expensive) tire $180.
Alignment $78.
Removal of bastardly little caps from lug nuts, $25.
Fact that they never actually removed the bastardly little caps (realized yesterday)...priceless.
Wednesday, Dec 10. 07:49. Home phone rings, Melissa again. I don't figure she's got on the highway yet, so hopeful another brick hasn't fallen into our lives. Ah, much more creative this time! Bricks are boring...rectangular, heavy, all the same. Blah. However, pumpkins are much more exciting, especially when tossed from a car. They tend to explode, and I hear the seeds create a shower of effervescent joy for all who watch. Especially when said effervescent joy is hitting a mailbox. Our damn mailbox.
"Look out the window" (editor's note: the last time this writer was asked to look out the window, a large tree had fallen, cutting down two power poles and locking us into our home surrounded by downed high-voltage lines).
Editor pauses and thinks "this can't be good".
Editor looks anyway.
One mailbox located about 10 yards from where it should be. Wooden stand still attached, though decidedly incapable of now supporting a 3 pound mailbox. Orange effervescent joy scattered around said mailbox.
Of course, the first question that comes to mind is "where do you get a pumpkin in freakin December?!" I mean, if this happened in October it would've made some sense. The perps need to get seasonal updates to their weapons. Random acts of vandalism just aren't as funny if they're not seasonally relevant.
Got a feeling this wouldn't have happened if we had, you know, street lights (recall story about downed power poles...). But alas, Georgia Power will take care of those "as soon as possible". I'm holding my breath.
Raining too hard to replace the mailbox. Have a feeling that once I replace it I'll get a letter from the IRS delivered to my spiffy new box.
Thursday, Dec 11. 07:30. Writer turns off phones. Better safe than sorry. Editor begins plotting...
Since 7:30 this morning I have pulled all negative news stories from the last 345 days. I googled it, and there are 24,175,480,172 negative news stories during that period. Using a multivariate regression analysis I have clear correlative data that all of these negative items have exactly one thing in common. 2008. Try to dispute it. I dare you.
There is only one solution, one so grand, and so simple, the population has simply overlooked it.
The end of 2008.
As such, I declare the official end to 2008. From now till 2009, we are in the month of Freemanuary, year 200n. To reset your calendars, here are some key dates:
New Years Day. Freemanuary 1st, 200n. Today. Don't feel hungover? Well I do. So it counts. The fact that I've felt hungover for the last 3 months is irrelevant.
Christmas Day. Freemanuary 15th, 200n.
New Years Eve. Freemanuary 21st, 200n. To be celebrated at our house. Everyone's invited.
In summary, 200n will be full of food, drink and presents. 2008 was full of bricks, pumpkins, power lines and other miscellaneous bad stuff. I believe this will fix everything. Stay tuned.
Happy New Year!
9 comments:
I will no longer complain about my fortunes. As Bob (Uncle Bob at work) once said when I arrived saying "What a day, in disgust!" to which he replied "It's better than the alternative."
So, today is a new day and a new year!
Dad
HEE HEE Oh boy that was funny! Again laughing at your issues but the way you word it I just can't help it! I just love Freemanuary! Reminds me of Festivus! Peace Geoff!
PS..if it makes you feel any better, one of our neighbors thinks it's funny to pass around a 100 lb "Christmas Pumpkin" EVERY YEAR, gets plopped into your yard in the evening and it's ugly full of odd stuff stuck into it, you need to add one item on and move it to another yard before the next morning comes around - maybe we will send you a pic - it's on our lawn today!
Hi Geoff! I'm here in Kanata with two of the loves of my life - Sydney and Cassidy! I cannot imagine being in a better place that here - unless it is with Melissa and you - sharing a laugh about the brick! Easy for me to say, eh! Mom gives me updates on you and we continue to pray! Knowing you, my money is on you in kicking the cancer! Love you - Dicky & Maryanne.
Geoff you are possibly the funniest Freeman ever! I love your Uncle Jon and my dearest husband, but boy does their humor run DRY sometimes! :) I welcome Freemanuary!
xo - Kathe
I have to wonder if those who adopted the calendar we use today - would approve of your dismissal that for your new one. I like yours better. Yes this continues to suck - but when the next round of markers are read . . . I KNOW they will be a big fat ZERO. Hope you can make the December 21st gala event at Lynda and Don house. John
Hi Geoff! Glad to hear that things worked out for Melissa and you! I'm still trying to guess what car she was driving! BMW, Mercedes Benz, Audi or a VW? My money's on the Beemer! Toni keeps us updated on your progress and we all continue to pray! Remember to include Ottawa in any travel plans for next year! All our best! Maryanne and Dick.
That was quite the experience for Melissa AND you! Right now I have Sydney and Cassidy with me - they truly are a joy! Toni keeps us updated on developments and we continue to pray! Remember to include Ottawa on your travel plans for next year! Maryanne & Dick.
You should have called upon me, your loving Godfather, to take care of the lug nut caps on Melissa's car. With all the experience I've had removing and putting snow tires on Auntie Tessa's Audi and mine, we'd have had it fixed in a flash ..... AND we have the lug nut key - (when you buy in bulk, you have privileges, eh??) I may send you guys one as a Christmas present! .... Pumpkins are another story though.
Good to hear from you again, Geoff!
Love, U. Ernie
I totally agree that, despite Ram's greencard, 2008 blew
Post a Comment