The Right Thing To Say

Now having been a part of the cancer experience, I obviously have met with several other folks in varying stages, with varied prognoses, and varied outlooks. The infusion area for cancer offers a good environment for discussion, ie

"Hey, fancy port you've got there! That's some fancy-colored chemo you're taking in, does it burn or just elicit fits of vomiting?"

Most environments just don't over the same talking points. For example, we just recently heard that our neighbor has gotten cancer again, I relived the sick feeling quickly. I just saw her a little while ago and commiserated about the "experience". She looks wonderful after her (first round of) recovery--and since we had moved in not too long ago, it was the first time I'd seen her that way. Melissa and I were devastated to hear the news and responded the only way we know how. We're going to bring them food.

I quickly realized that this experience has brought me no closer to being competent to even say hello under these circumstances. There is absolutely nothing that can be said that makes someone feel better and there's nothing you can offer that makes any of it better. You're helpless, as is the recently diagnosed person. There are few circumstances in life that contain both people so completely and prevent either one from helping the other out of the mess. You stand there and stare, or you exchange niceties making both of you feel more awkward about the giant elephant in the room. The pastors that stopped by to talk with me were far more effective, but I take them out of our human category...both because, well, that's their calling and second because if any of the rest of us talked like that, we'd be a pastor.

So, generally, we're useless at this. After trying to think of why, it occurred to me that that's why God created dogs and cats. They don't say the wrong thing, they tilt their head appropriately when you discuss the issues with them and will curl up beside you (which is generally frowned upon when you're with neighbors).

So, I recommend that you bring any newly diagnosed person a puppy or kitten. You may have to bring it home with you afterward, but trust me, it'll make the conversation a lot easier. And at least someone goes home with a puppy or kitten. Bring one of each and everybody wins.

Go ahead. Tell me I'm wrong: